Craigslist Missed Connections From ShondaLand

Hottie with a killer smile – m4m

Seriously, what are the odds that we would both be dragging bodies through the same part of the woods in the middle of the night??? But there we were. I would’ve asked you your name, but you seemed so shy and the timing just felt off. Still as we brushed by each other, I knew something was between us besides just the victims’ arms. I am a law student at Middleton University who loves to cook and get involved in improbable crimes by accident. If you see this, maybe we can help each other under the covers and with our coverups. When I’m not studying at the library, I can usually be found talking in furtive whispers with my friends on campus. Find me, and let’s get buried in each other.

We both blended in to the crowd – m4f

You were there. I was there. No one really noticed us, but we noticed each other. I liked your nondescript khaki pants and unbranded paper coffee cup. So sexy.

Handsome doctor with a black eye – w4m

I came in to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital on a Wednesday a few weeks ago, and my friend was with me. We were there after a freak accident at the pier. I had a crowbar through my face. The man next to me just came in for an infected splinter in his pinky but still somehow died. It was really sad because he hadn’t seen his daughter in over ten years and used to be an alcoholic. There was a lot of commotion when he went in to cardiac arrest, but still, I saw you and our eyes met. You were standing near a gurney in the hallway. You’re tall, dark hair, broody expression, with a lot of scruff. Not sure if you’re single or not, but we made eye contact a few more times before some blonde lady doctor came up and said something to you. You slammed down a chart on the counter and stalked away. I wondered about the patient in that chart. Shouldn’t that have been filed or something?

Anyway, I’m currently in speech therapy from the crowbar damage to my face. I also had some complications during surgery. They ended up having to remove a brain tumor they found during my MRI, and of course I had a minor stroke on the table. Perhaps it’s almost dying three times in the span of 42 minutes, or seeing what can happen when a recovering alcoholic neglects an infected splinter, but I just had to take the chance.

It’s a long shot, but if you remember me, and if I still remember you after I finish with all the meds, I was hoping we could meet up for some jello or other semi-solid food and see what happens. Do you like Bobo Tea? Message me your pager number if you see this.

File this under a second chance – f4m

I was working. You asked for a file from the shelf clearly labeled “Classified”. I said I couldn’t give it to you. You smiled and gave me little wink, and then said something about your mother and puppies. I remember because I also like my mother and puppies (what are the odds???) I almost passed out because you are so cute. Then your friend knocked over a box of files which I cleaned up while keeping my back to you and my desk. That would later get me fired, but it was totally worth it for a chance to meet you. Sadly, you were gone by the time I looked up. I hope we find each other again.

Classy lady on camera- m4f

I was watching you through the camera hidden in your hallway vase, and even though I know it is probably impossible, I just felt like you knew I could see you. You are a classy dresser with a penchant for red wine. You have a cream couch and lamps that look like they’re from Pottery Barn but a much more expensive Pottery Barn than I go to. You talk on the phone with a great deal of intensity and sometimes you cry after you hang up. It makes me so sad to see you upset. I would love to drink your tears and soothe you. I know this is unconventional, but I think you would like me if you got to know me. After I’m done surveilling you, of course. If you see this and you’re interested, go to Lincoln Memorial wearing the white Chanel suit with the matching gloves you tried on Tuesday morning before you changed in to the navy blue dress. I’ll be watching.


Climate Goes Through The Change

Thank you for that wonderful introduction. It is an honor and a privilege to be the Key Note Speaker at this year’s Climate Summit. Obviously it is also well overdue considering I am the actual Climate, but still a great honor and privilege, and though I’m a bit nervous, I’ve been told not to sweat it.

Haha. Sweat it. Get it?

Sorry. I was also told that starting with a joke would be a good ice breaker.

Ice breaker? No? No.

Well. Okay then. As we have heard from many experts over the last several days, The Change is indeed happening. I think the most important thing we can do to address it is to focus on the positive, and begin controlling what is actually within our power. It would be easy to take what we have heard at this summit and panic, but ultimately cooler heads must prevail, and this conference is just the tip of the iceberg.

Nothing? Whew. Guess you guys just need to warm up to me a bit.

Wait I’m sorry, but speaking of that, I feel a little warm. Not a little actually, a lot. Like I’m really fracking hot. See what I did there? Wow, oh wow, yeah, this is a big one. My lava is molting. I think we better cool it off in here or there may be about three million fewer people in Italy tomorrow if you know what I’m saying. No, for real. I’m gonna Pompeii some asses if we don’t cool it off. Pardon my language. Can we maybe just turn down the AC a bit, or just like crack a window or something? Thanks. That’s a bit better.

So anyway, in recent years, we’ve heard a lot about…Whoa, excuse me! Wow. That is embarrassing. I’m sorry, I just feel super greenhouse gassy all of a sudden. Maybe it’s the cucumber sandwiches. Those can do it. Or maybe it’s the constant fossil fuel burning. Either way, I think I just blew a hole in my lining. You guys are probably gonna want to get on that ASAP.

Okay, so where was I? Where was I? No seriously, where was I? Oh yes, recent data and not sweating the change. Though there is really no stopping that, believe me. I mean my ice caps are dripping at a rate that no amount of Degree can control. But really my point is that overall, I feel pretty chill.

Actually, maybe a little too chill. Whew. Now I’m cold. Hahaha, sorry about that. Can we just maybe turn the AC back up? I don’t mean to be difficult, but can someone find my sweater please? There’s something I’ve learned through The Change: ALWAYS HAVE A SWEATER. Last year a blizzard caught me off guard and bam, I almost froze my Tetons off, and it did not feel grand if you know what I mean.

Okay. Back to the point. It can be very difficult at times to manage The Change gracefully, but I’m proud of how I have handled myself through this personal crises. It is true that I have suffered through severe temperature changes, chronic fatigue, dryness, rising sea levels, memory loss, irritability, and erratic mood swings, but for the most part, I’ve remained fairly calm and moderate.

Jesus Christ, do you guys have a bonfire going somewhere I can’t see? Or are you like offering glass blowing classes next door? Can I maybe just get a fan? Like one of those that clamps on to the podium and has a water spritzer bottle attached so I could just cool off as needed? No? No. Really?

Honestly, if you aren’t able to provide even a fucking spritzer fan, I’m really not feeling too great about the prospect of this summit accomplishing anything. So way to put together a useless, bullshit, hot as hell summit, guys. Congrats.

Well it looks like they are waving at me that my time is up. That seems quick. Everything seems quick now. It all goes by so fast. One minute you’re youthful. Beautiful. In the prime of your life. And then in a flash, it’s over and no one gets it. Then come the labels. They call you unpredictable, maybe even violent. And if they only knew how well you were keeping it together. But they don’t get it. And you’ve sacrificed everything for them, and those ungrateful motherfuckers, with their fucking SUV’s just driving everywhere, and their jets, and their stupid farting cows, and their constant freaking breeding, have the nerve to tell you that what is happening to you isn’t even fucking real???

Great. Now I’m crying. I hope you guys are happy. I mean, obviously some people in Africa and parts of California are. They needed that. But those by the Yangtze probably aren’t too thrilled with me right now. So thanks for that. Twitter should be a fun read in the morning. I love a side of shame with my iced coffee.

Well, this was, naturally, a disaster. So, to wrap up, I just want to say thank you for letting me speak and for at least trying to help me with this problem that for so many years no one would even acknowledge. By the way, I hear Anthrax will be closing out the summit so I hope you guys are ready to “Bring the Noise” and rock out. Get it? Anthrax? No. Of course not.

Fine, go fuck yourselves. Oh wait, that’s right, you already have.

Climate out.